OMG MAIL OM NOM NOM
how our lives never turn out the way we think they will? We imagine how we think things will be or who we think we’ll be or hold some conversation with someone in our head set at some point in the future, and life pops up with something completely different. Surprises, surprises.
Yesterday was sickness, feeling dizzy while walking down the street.
The Day Before was concentration, studying all night, holy-crap-I’m-behind.
The Day Before That was my birthday, thinking I have everything.
And the Day Previous was nothing, sitting on a bench at 3 am with…nothing.
Today was understanding, crying a little and finding home.
Each day a little different, but looking deeper, just the same.
I find out, that all these days
are really just
Everyday, being human.
Hm…. I just skyped with two of my friends from high school. And somehow, I never knew it or suspected it, but it was just what I needed.
It was just what I needed to feel relief. Like a call from the past, but so sudden—a ringing on my computer at six in the morning.
I think of high school as one of the peak times in my life. It was when everything felt right. Maybe this is because now I’ve perfected high school in my memory, imagining it to be some golden time it never was. Nevertheless, high school was the time in my life when I was confident, felt smart, had friends who knew me like family. It was when I could do whatever I felt like, and I knew that the people around me would understand. It was when I knew people and where they came from and why they were the way they were. It was when people knew me too, and everything I did or said was real. There were no strangers.
So it was good to talk with these two friends I hadn’t really talked to or seen at all for two years, and to see that once we started talking again, things were still the same. It was good to make sure that the person I was in high school wasn’t gone, just hibernating in a place in my mind I’d forgotten how to find. It was good to realize that maybe, nothing had actually changed. That things only seemed different because the way I had been looking at them was different. It was so nostalgic, but so positive in that it wasn’t just me looking back on things alone.
When you look at things in the past alone, when everyone else has moved on, the memories are stale, and you become the one who’s been left behind, too uncool for the future and too insecure for the present. The air feels a little colder when you realize that everyone but yourself doesn’t care and you’re the only one getting hurt.
But when you look at the past with other people, and go over good memories together, you realize that the way you’ve lived was never in vain, though at times you thought it was. You see that the things you said, the connections you made, and the person you were had a purpose, and all the time that has passed you by is something you don’t have to regret. You’re glad that you are who you are, and your history is something you can be proud of.
Finally, you can be honest with yourself, and admit without shame that you missed them… very, very much.
When you look up at the stars,
And wonder who you are,
And where you’ve been
And how you’ve lived,
To make you stray so far,
When you cry those tears of blood,
Crawling through the frothing mud,
You wonder when
It all will end,
When you’ll escape the flood.
And I’ll tell you then,
It never ends.
Only ever begins again.
All you can do
Is grab onto
The rope I throw, keep hope in tow.
When you sit in ditches deep,
Weighed by promises to keep,
The times, back when,
Dreams lived outside of sleep.
When you start to feel upset,
Don’t let it get to you yet,
Wait for the dawn
Stifle your yawn,
Watch the weary moon set.
And I’ll tell you then,
It still hurts, friend,
God yet his messenger to send.
Though it seems wrong,
Try to stay strong,
Though night has never felt this long.
Always, always, always lonely,
Waiting for your time to come.
Always thinking if only, only,
Cold because the day is done.
But maybe, maybe, maybe one day
Waiting by the dusty road,
Maybe, sunrise, some day, some day,
You’ll finally find a place to go.
“The vast majority of the mass in the universe is completely invisible. It’s not made of atoms — in fact it’s not even made of the things that atoms are made of: protons, neutrons, and electrons. It’s something completely different.”
[Calvin and Hobbes was created by the wonderful Bill Waterson]
Sometimes I see people who seem upset and I ask them if they’re okay.
I don’t really believe it, but I don’t really see what else I can do and sort of shrug it off, to be honest.
Sometimes I’m upset and people ask me if I’m okay.
They shrug and walk away.
And then I notice I feel a little crushed, to be honest.
A little alone.
I don’t know what else to say,
Other than that “I’m okay.”
But I’m not,
And I start to wonder
If all the other times I walked away from someone else,
I made them feel the same.
And I wonder if there’s ever anyone
Brave enough to listen to the sneaking suspicion one gets
When one hears a person’s words,
Words that don’t seem to quite match up with the truth.
I wonder if anyone will insist on the truth
When I tell them it’s okay.
But maybe not,
and that’s all I deserve,
because I’ve never been that brave.